UNFAITHFUL WIFE: We are each a collection of memories, anecdotes, characteristics, behaviors, reactions, personality traits. These are the things we use to define ourselves. This is who I am. This is what I believe. This is how I react. This is the definition of me.
Since having an affair some new words have bubbled to the top of my definition. Some were placed there by me. Some were added by my husband, some by my affair partner. A few were contributed by therapists and some came courtesy of other people I’ve encountered, here and elsewhere.
I am selfish. That one should be repeated as it is the strongest. It is the most universally held belief about me. It plays on repeat in my head. I am selfish. Selfish. Selfish. I am not worthy. I am undesirable. I am a bitch. I am a whore. I am an adulteress. I am an asshole. I am inconsiderate. I am vain. I am false. I am weak. I am a coward. I cannot bear monotony. I am a quitter. I am a failure. I lack the ability to judge people. I am dominant. I always get what I want. I do this all for show.
Some of these things fit easily into my preexisting sense of self, but those that don’t pose a problem. It creates a dissonance in my mind that is hard to reconcile. I don’t know who I am or what I want or where I’m headed. Who am I? And by even pondering this am I only reinforcing my selfishness?
a marriage abroad 