Dour again

BETRAYED HUSBAND:  My wife’s meditation retreat ended and after some bus travel hiccups we reunited at last.  For a few days after joining up again things were great. It was like we were freshly in love again. However, at least for me, this feeling didn’t last very long.

I don’t know really what I expected from the time apart. Maybe somehow some switch would flip and I could overlook the affair and not think of it ever again. But no. Nothing flipped. I don’t know if the time apart did much of anything except teach me one thing: I can be okay on my own but I prefer to be with someone. When we reunited we were puppy dogs again, for a bit. Looking back now I wonder if I just missed a relationship and not necessarily my wife for the individual she is.

It has been a full year since I discovered the affair. Maybe this dark anniversary has tainted my whole demeanor right now and I should take my feelings with a grain of salt. But maybe not. Maybe this is who I am now with my wife. One hour I’m seemingly content and then the next spiteful.

This dramatic mood swing happened just yesterday and I am still, 24 hours later, on the negative side of things. My bad mood was probably very obvious to my wife and I felt that I was likely bringing down her day with me. So I apologized for being in a bad mood. I know I don’t need to be sorry for my feelings, and I don’t think I was. I wasn’t really talking with her and apologizing, though disingenuous, was the easiest way to start talking again. She asked me if she had done something or if I was triggered by something. No, I wasn’t. That’s what really troubles me. There was no trigger. I was happy and then suddenly I wasn’t and all I could think about was the affair and that I’m spending all my time with someone who willful hurt me so grievously. The severity of my mood has faded since then, but for several hours I hated my wife.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out, even if they are a bit ramble-y. I do know that I don’t want a life in which half of the time I hate my wife.

 

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2 thoughts on “Dour again

  1. I know for me the hate has gone down and we are actual decent people having sex and raising a family
    I hate him less and less which is nice
    But this stuff takes time.. But I agree with the question of do I want to be with someone who has hurt me this bad??
    Great question

    Like

  2. I can totally relate to this so don’t feel alone.

    I can wake up right as rain one day but then, it’s as if a switch flicks and…. bang, I’m back at d-day! Yesterday just so happened to be one of those days for me too. I just soldiered on…

    Today I’m still low, I’ve shed a tear too. But I have to focus on the fact that not every day is the same. I have to take control of my thoughts. It’s like someone saying “don’t picture a yellow bus!” What’s the first thing you do?! “Now don’t think of a red dog!” The thought of the yellow bus had been replaced.

    Take each day one step at a time. Focus on the positives. We can all do this! I know we can. We just have to make that decision that even though we’re hurting in a way our partners will NEVER understand we can turn this around a recreate a new marriage.

    Chin up. #manhugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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