Russian Roulette

UNFAITHFUL WIFE: Last week we visited the Kremlin. On that morning my husband woke up in a foul mood. I knew he was in a bad mood. It’s not like I can’t tell, but I am always afraid to ask. 

(It’s something I need to work on).

Eventually he admitted to me that he was having a bad day.

Did I do something, I asked.

Not recently, he said.

Was there a trigger, I asked.

No, he said. Sometimes he just finds himself in a bad place, remembering that I had an affair.

I get that. He is going to have bad days. I did that. I hurt him so much. So much that I cannot fix it.

But it still hurts when my husband is so disgusted by me that he can’t look at me. It’s still hard to wake up every morning and wonder if my husband loves me or hates me today, like a fucked up game of roulette. It’s hard to want to stay.

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Flirt

UNFAITHFUL WIFE: I recently attended a meditation course. For ten days I did nothing but eat, sleep, and meditate – light on the sleeping and eating.

As it turns out, when you have nothing to distract you for days on end, memories tend to pop up. I remembered so many little interactions that I’ve had. I realized that before I had an affair I flirted quite a bit with other men.

I used to attend meetups, and I remembered one night when I came home my husband asked me if I attended meetups to meet other men.

I answered him honestly. I was not looking for other men. I just wanted to make friends.

But looking back now I realize that I enjoyed the flirting that went on at these meetups. It made me feel pretty and funny and interesting. It made me feel desirable. Ultimately, though, I think it did contribute to my eventually giving in to adultery.

I know going forward I have to change. I should never go out without my husband again. I should be forbidden from speaking to other men. I should find another way to feel desirable.

I think it will be difficult, but we’ll figure it out.

Dour again

BETRAYED HUSBAND:  My wife’s meditation retreat ended and after some bus travel hiccups we reunited at last.  For a few days after joining up again things were great. It was like we were freshly in love again. However, at least for me, this feeling didn’t last very long.

I don’t know really what I expected from the time apart. Maybe somehow some switch would flip and I could overlook the affair and not think of it ever again. But no. Nothing flipped. I don’t know if the time apart did much of anything except teach me one thing: I can be okay on my own but I prefer to be with someone. When we reunited we were puppy dogs again, for a bit. Looking back now I wonder if I just missed a relationship and not necessarily my wife for the individual she is.

It has been a full year since I discovered the affair. Maybe this dark anniversary has tainted my whole demeanor right now and I should take my feelings with a grain of salt. But maybe not. Maybe this is who I am now with my wife. One hour I’m seemingly content and then the next spiteful.

This dramatic mood swing happened just yesterday and I am still, 24 hours later, on the negative side of things. My bad mood was probably very obvious to my wife and I felt that I was likely bringing down her day with me. So I apologized for being in a bad mood. I know I don’t need to be sorry for my feelings, and I don’t think I was. I wasn’t really talking with her and apologizing, though disingenuous, was the easiest way to start talking again. She asked me if she had done something or if I was triggered by something. No, I wasn’t. That’s what really troubles me. There was no trigger. I was happy and then suddenly I wasn’t and all I could think about was the affair and that I’m spending all my time with someone who willful hurt me so grievously. The severity of my mood has faded since then, but for several hours I hated my wife.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out, even if they are a bit ramble-y. I do know that I don’t want a life in which half of the time I hate my wife.