Anniversary Update

UNFAITHFUL WIFE: Our anniversary went pretty smoothly. We didn’t do anything specifically anniversarial.  

We were on the island of Santorini. The day before we took a trip to Oia to see the spectacular views and actually had a really nice day. The day of we relaxed on the beach for a bit and exchanged gifts.

We always try to do the traditional anniversary gifts. This year is copper and wool. I bought him a ring from a shop on Olympia. It’s technically rose gold but looks coppery. When we get back I will make him a wool cloak. 

He bought me a copper rose that I won’t actually get until after this trip. Right now it’s sitting in a box somewhere at his mom’s house.

So thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They seem to have helped.


Silence is deadly

BETRAYED HUSBAND: I’ve been having a rough few weeks recently. I’ve been going over and over in my head what this affair ultimately means about our relationship. Time and time again I keep coming back to three main questions that I still can’t answer.

Does my wife even want me? I mean who I am as a person. Her affair partner was a drastically different person on fundamental personality levels than I am. When I look back I can’t help but wonder if my wife doesn’t want to be with me since she had such a prolonged affair with someone so different from me.

Do I want to be with my wife? For years I thought I knew who she was as a person and I loved her. In the aftermath of the affair, most of the time I’m not sure I know who she is anymore. When I think of the qualities I’ve always wanted in a wife I can look back and see how much the ‘scorecard’ has changed since the affair.

Is continuing our marriage the best option for happiness for both of us? If I’m not sure about the previous two questions then ultimately I believe that our marriage will suffer. Sometimes I’m afraid that we will stick in this together to maybe prove to ourselves that we aren’t ‘quitters’ even though staying may just slowly erode our joy and sense of self.

Of course while I have been thinking these issues over I have been tragically silent to my wife. After some time things between us became distant. This is what always happens when either one of us stops communicating. Eventually we did have the inevitable uncomfortable conversation about what I have been going through. These conversations are key to have if there is any chance for true reconciliation, but they also cause tremendous immediate discomfort. The fear of and desire to avoid this discomfort is what keeps us silent for so long, too long.

Overcoming my natural inclination to sit in silence while contemplating the situation has been tough and I wouldn’t say that I’m good at it yet. But talking about things like these questions and fears helps to keep us connected to each other. While I may not be able to answer these questions I am facing, I do know that I hope our marriage can be strong and loving and beautiful.

Here It Comes

UNFAITHFUL WIFE: Our anniversary is next week. I’m scared. I know it will be hard for him. I don’t know whether to make a big deal of it or let it slip quietly by.

I think I’ll aim for somewhere in the middle.

I want to do something. To celebrate. To show my husband that I care. I want to create a new good memory.

What I don’t want to do is cause any pressure. I don’t want him to feel like he has to be happy. I don’t want to rub this marriage in his face. I know it is tainted now. I know he can’t look back at our vows with joy because I broke them. I’m trying to figure out how to rebuild them. Gently. 

I’m praying that our anniversary will be provide an opportunity to do that, but it’s going to be a challenge. Beyond emotions there are sheer logistics.

We will be in a tiny town on the island of Santorini. There is not much in the area we are staying at, and I really don’t want to do any challenging travel on that day. Travel is stressful, the opposite of what he needs. Also, we are technically flying out at midnight that night. So it will already be stressful.

I need a plan, and the clock is ticking.

If anyone reads this, we could use some prayers next week.

A Ticket Home

UNFAITHFUL WIFE: It would cost me less than $500 to fly back to the States tomorrow. I know this because my husband is having a bad day.
Something triggered him today. I don’t know what it was. I asked a few light questions, but he doesn’t seem to be in a sharing mood. So I’m giving him space while I check ticket prices in case everything goes to shit.
I’ve done this before — India, Paris, Spain, London.Every time he gets like this I start to doubt. Why are we even trying? Why torture ourselves? On days like this it seems like we’d be better off alone. 
I guess that’s the quitter in me.
The truth is, though, that I care about my husband. If he thinks our marriage can work then I am willing to try to make it the best marriage possible. And I think it can be. We’ve got a great future ahead of us, if we have one at all.