UNFAITHFUL WIFE: Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days start out good and end up bad. Some days start out bad and end up good. Yesterday was one of those days, at least from my perspective.
My husband seemed tense at breakfast. Nowadays, that is not so out of the ordinary. Every day for him is an emotional war zone riddled with reminders, like landmines, waiting to go off. But after breakfast he opened up. He told me he was having a terrible time, and that he was thinking he should just divorce me. He’d read my latest post.
My husband has every right to divorce me. Even five months in he still has every right to a divorce. It is a little shocking to my ears at this point, but I won’t judge him for it. I don’t think I could do everything that he has done even up to this point. He has been amazing.
So here we are. Sitting on a terrible bed in a terrible room amid the chaos of Delhi. Our clothes are strewn around us, mid-packing. Three days ago we were scammed into paying over $500, and we’re still reeling from it. In fifteen minutes we are supposed to meet our driver downstairs for a tour of Delhi, and at midnight we are headed to the airport to fly to Jordan. After Jordan we’re going to Israel, then Egypt, then Africa. All for stays of about a week. We’ve been traveling nonstop. I’m exhausted, and there is no end in sight. And my husband wants to divorce me. I am in tears. I wish I wasn’t. I hate that I cry so easily. Through all of that, I am trying hard to listen to my husband’s concerns.
He doesn’t understand why I’m still with him. He is concerned that I am just using him. He worries that after this trip I will leave him. He doesn’t understand why people place so much value on fighting. He does not think fighting is a good thing.
It’s good that he is telling me these things. I am grateful that he is sharing. I’m also upset and I’m not sure that we’re making any headway at this particular moment.
“What do you want to do?” I asked him, “I don’t mean do you want to divorce me. You have all the time you need for that, but right now we are supposed to be meeting our driver downstairs. We have a flight to Jordan tonight. We can change any of those things, but I need to know. What do you want to do right now?”
“I want to continue the trip,” he said. So we did.
For the rest of that day, our driver would take us to a monument that we didn’t know anything about. We would get out. Wander around a bit, cry, talk, and argue about the value of conflict. After a few minutes, when our tears had calmed for a moment, we would return to the car. Our driver would take us to the next monument, and the process would be repeated.
After about three monuments it felt like we were making headway. I had learned a lot about how my husband felt about fighting, or conflict, which he has lead me to believe is a better word for what I am describing. I don’t necessarily want to get into a knock-down, drag-out fight with him, but I do think that some conflict is necessary to develop a close relationship. This day was a great example. We spent a majority of the day in conflict, but by the evening I felt closer to my husband than I had in a long time. I felt like I had learned something about him and seen a side of him that most people will never see. I want that in our marriage. Not conflict, specifically, but closeness. I want to feel close to my husband every single day. I’m not sure how to achieve that yet. I’m sure that having a long tearful argument every day is not the way to do it, but I think that is sometimes part of the process.